bedambedam
bendamron's Cancer Blog
April 20, 2008
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i’ve needed to post a thank you to you all who have been staying up to date on my blog. some of you may know already, but my primary blog is bendamron.blogspot.com (i cut and paste from there to this blog), it’s been a great way to keep my family, friends and their family & friends updated. as things have become more difficult, i’m finding it harder to be totally honest and truly vent. after i post on blogspot, i find that i am feeling even more anxious that i wasn’t able to ramble and vent the way i’d like too fearing that it may upset loved ones. i guess it’s a way of protecting them with the deep down hardships we all feel coping with or being the loved ones with cancer. i feel liberated as i’m typing away already and plan to continue.
it’s sunday afternoon, and i’m walking around my house feeling gloomy, and feeling so lonely. and this damn pit in my gut just won’t go away. angel is still sleeping. she wakes up at 8:30 to take her meds, and then tries to put down some yogurt. breakfast is her favorite meal of the day. once filled with granola, fruits, english muffins, and yogurt before rushing out the door to see clients (she’s a psychotherapist with a blossoming private practice, of course on hold until things shine again). but the past few days, her consumption of yogurt ends with a few bites before she nods off again. of course her ascites back is the main reason.
i’ve learned that this cancer has stripped away so much of what angel and i love best. after the obvious, angel’s mental and physical health. simple things as having a nice meal together. going out to dinner, lunch, breakfast. sipping a beer or two. traveling. it’s been almost a year since we traveled egypt. i can’t believe she had cancer back then. running around cairo, seeing the sites up and down the nile, finding eats, haggling, climbing mt. sinai. in hindsight, back on mt sinai, angel was complaining of pain in her legs, shortness of breath. she is a gym rat, and this seemed awfully suspicious and thoughts that she was just tricking me into carrying both packs. of course not true, but it was hard for me to believe such a healthy person like her was so fatigued. we learned the hard truth seven months later.
conversation has been difficult too, and this is probably the most difficult part. she has always been my go-to-gal when i am happy, sad, mad, anxious, or just pissed off. i now only go to her when i’m happy, and refrain from the other emotions. i have three dear friends for this who understand me, and who have been involved with everything since the diagnosis. they help out a lot…and of course i have this blog, which i will start taking better care of. i feel better already. thanks again you all for your eyes, and welcome back MAC! good to hear from you.
05.04.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
Gosh brother, your words are so powerful! I have been crying a lot this AM anyway, but am very touched with what you say about Angel being your go-to-gal…that has gotta be rough to feel as if you need to protect her and show her your strong side only…also her mothers reaction…freaking out? Come on woman, not very sensitive? I understand its gotta be tough for her, maybe she isn’t a clear communicator and is trying to say that she can only handle so much. I can empathize. Tings here gwan a bit rough in that department as well and its got me wanting to escape!
I’m cool though as long as I keep meeting with the Hospice social worker and have a person to vent to. Youhave any type of mental health options? It makes a big difference to me.
I gotta peep out your other blog site mang! How do you do it? Two blogs would be too mush for moi….but it really is a phenomenal way to keep the masses informed without having to be on the damn phone all a the time.
Stay golden soldier!
Timothy
Dear Ben; It seems that things are changing rapidly and that Angel is sleeping more than usual. I know that you are having such a hard time with this, which is completely natural. I have been there 3 times in my past years and know exactly what you mean – helpless and protective of your loved one. (Showing no fear and always being up). It really isn’t a natural feeling so you are really being an actor, which is a very tough job if it isn’t your profession. It is lovely to hear of your trip to Egypt and those wonderful memories which noone can take from you, not even Cancer can do that. About your mother in law ???? Why is she not with her daughter now? Does not make sense to me. She should come and help you out too. Is Angel not asking for her? I find her attitude a bit strange and actually she might even be a bit jealous, the way she used her words. Maybe she doesn’t understand the severity of the situation either. However as a Mom she should be there no matter what. Mine would be if she were here. Perhaps it is time to have a heart to heart with her and really spell it out. I know you are strong enough to see the situation and Angel’s health decline, even though it breaks your heart. Now people will be relying on you, which they have done for quite some time, I’m sure, to report hour by hour progess. You will be needing help very soon. Does your State have Palliative home care? In Canada, specifically Ontario, when a Cancer patient becomes too ill to really eat or travel, a Dr. comes to your home to make an assessment. Once they determine the scope, they send in a team to take care of the home. In other words, there is a homecare person assigned that comes for 3 hours every day to cook a meal for the spouse, change the sheets, light dusting. An RN is also assigned to come and take blood pressure, give a needle when necessary, or change the amount of morphine in the drip if there is one. And finally the Dr. who also comes to make updates of the patient. This is all covered by our health care plan so no money is shelled out of pocket. If you have a private plan then one can activate nursing care when needed. Having said all of this I hope I haven’t over stepped by telling you this. You need to be prepared even if others do not tell you this. It is only fair that you know the hard truth even though it hurts so bad. You are the inspiration on this blog. You show courage, conviction, are the best letter writer and you keep us informed. Thank you Ben for that. Please keep us posted but more importantly try to go out and take a walk a breather, you know. Try to get some people to sit with Angel while you take mini breaks. Very important. Take care both of you and prayers are always happening on your behalf. Weezie from Canada eh