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12” transverse colon resection (nov 07)
folfox + 5fu (dec 07-jan 08)
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 bendamron's Cancer BlogMay 11, 2008
......and you will always always be on my mind, in my heart, soul, and spirit. you gave me the best tens years of my life. your attention to me were filled with huge amounts of smiles, laughter, support, surprises, and love that will never ever be replaced. last thursday night i held your hand and spoke to you softly while you were laying here at home comfortably and pain free. i felt your spirit release from all the pain. i am saddened and torn beyond words that you are no longer here, but i feel peace that your mind and body are now at rest. you will always be with me, i will love you forever, i am only yours….....XOXOXO-’Bun’
Posted on May 11, 2008 at 2:15:34 PM by angel & ben (
 I miss you so much Angel Valentina......,  3 comments)
April 29, 2008
on monday dr. otero spoke to angel with the utmost compassion and through many tears of his own, that he felt chemotherapy is no longer an option for angel. the chemo is only making angel weaker by the day without the benefits. yes this was tough news to hear, but it was something we felt could happen on this day. we see it as an end of a phase which opens more doors for the next. this has truly been a positive unfolding of events. our spirits are high, i promise. i’ve arrangements to see a naturopathic oncologist named dr. lucas at seattle cancer wellness, who specializes in eastern medicines, and holistic approaches which includes acupuncture, herbs and chinese medicine, juicing, etc. seattle wellness leads the nation in this practice, and i am excited to learn more. we are also moving forward with macrobiotics, something that was not recommended during chemotherapy, but ready to jump head first the minute this option was available. i planned on heading out east next week to the kushi institute where it all began, but during my research i came across gabriele kushi who to my total surprise lives in minneapolis. she is a family member of michio kushi, the man who brought this way of life to the western world. she has been teaching kushi’s way for years. i’ve been in contact with her already and she will device a diet that is most effective for colon cancer. a visit back home to see my grandmothers and great aunt will be icing on the cake too. macrobiotics isn’t too much a stretch for me and angel, we have eaten much of the food already, and luckily i know how to dice and slice some mean vegi’s, and working from home has been invaluable to help make this happen. angel is ready for this, we’ve all been ready for this point. the doors are wide open and we can finally walk through them and explore. we are most definitely not going into this blindfolded, there have been wonderful results with alternatives, and i have faith we can find a balanced that will help angel. our support system is more than eager to take this next challenge head on without looking back.
Posted on April 29, 2008 at 5:20:04 PM by angel & ben (
one door shut, three doors open...., 3 comments)
Juicing and a vegetarian diet have done wonders for me. I am going to read up on the macrobiotics and Michio Kushi. I am SO excited to hear the enthusiasm of your post! You and Angel are in my heart and prayers. Be well and be loved I sincerely applaud your frame of mind and your dedication upon this new chapter. Though I have heard of this type of medicine, personally I know nothing about it. You remain in my thoughts and prayers. Ive really come to “know” you all and I care a great deal about you and Angel… Well wishes on the newest part of your journey! April 23, 2008
last monday dr. otero decided to stop the cetuximab antibody therapy and switch to panitumumab. we’ll see how she reacts. the cancerous fluids in her abdominal cavity is worse than we thought it to be. tumors so small that ct scans can’t detect is causing fluid build up and of course tag teamed by the liver as well. angel’s magnesium levels have been critical, so the past three days she’s had daily infusions, a quart per visit. two more to go this week. she had another paracentesis yesterday for some more comfort. three quarts this time. she is considering to have a port placed so we can drain the fluid at will. dr. otero said that there shouldn’t be any clotting complications, but the fear of infection is always present. clinic visits aren’t troublesome for me, but perhaps for angel’s energy level, the port might be a good alternative. i still can’t believe all of this is happening to my best friend. angel’s appetite is still an issue. she knows she has to eat, she tries really hard like with everything else, but it’s just too difficult. small meals (bites) and small 8 oz smoothies is mostly what keeps her going. i have terrible butterflies thinking about everything, it seems so much for one person to handle at times, but i’m not alone. people ask me “how do you do it?” i reply with all i know to be true “i do it because i am trying to preserve my future and everything i’ve wanted in life.” anyone would do the same in my situation. my support is incredible and whom have been heavily involved since the diagnosis. renae came into to town a few days early to help out and just be. we all realize that this week will be very stressful and another helpful hand will be of great help. angel’s god brother matt and his fiancee will be in town this saturday for a few. his energy will no doubt spark some life into the weekend. we meet with dr. sam whiting at seattle cancer care (UW) tomorrow morning to make sure everything that can be done is happening. regrettably, i fear dr. otero is doing everything possible. but maybe sam has a trick or two. Every time I read your posts I admire you more brother. Hey cowboy! I hear ya mang! I feel you and appreciate your support. I’m with you too man! Every upbeat, thing I would type sounds so hollow, when your post shows such a heavy heart. You are doing a wonderful job, taking care of your “best friend”, and sometimes that is all you can do. I pray for you both daily, along with the rest of us fighting this enemy. Even across cyber space I send you both hugs and love. And, if it were possible, a shoulder to cry on. Blessings and peace to you both Ben, April 20, 2008
i’ve needed to post a thank you to you all who have been staying up to date on my blog. some of you may know already, but my primary blog is bendamron.blogspot.com (i cut and paste from there to this blog), it’s been a great way to keep my family, friends and their family & friends updated. as things have become more difficult, i’m finding it harder to be totally honest and truly vent. after i post on blogspot, i find that i am feeling even more anxious that i wasn’t able to ramble and vent the way i’d like too fearing that it may upset loved ones. i guess it’s a way of protecting them with the deep down hardships we all feel coping with or being the loved ones with cancer. i feel liberated as i’m typing away already and plan to continue. it’s sunday afternoon, and i’m walking around my house feeling gloomy, and feeling so lonely. and this damn pit in my gut just won’t go away. angel is still sleeping. she wakes up at 8:30 to take her meds, and then tries to put down some yogurt. breakfast is her favorite meal of the day. once filled with granola, fruits, english muffins, and yogurt before rushing out the door to see clients (she’s a psychotherapist with a blossoming private practice, of course on hold until things shine again). but the past few days, her consumption of yogurt ends with a few bites before she nods off again. of course her ascites back is the main reason. i’ve learned that this cancer has stripped away so much of what angel and i love best. after the obvious, angel’s mental and physical health. simple things as having a nice meal together. going out to dinner, lunch, breakfast. sipping a beer or two. traveling. it’s been almost a year since we traveled egypt. i can’t believe she had cancer back then. running around cairo, seeing the sites up and down the nile, finding eats, haggling, climbing mt. sinai. in hindsight, back on mt sinai, angel was complaining of pain in her legs, shortness of breath. she is a gym rat, and this seemed awfully suspicious and thoughts that she was just tricking me into carrying both packs. of course not true, but it was hard for me to believe such a healthy person like her was so fatigued. we learned the hard truth seven months later. conversation has been difficult too, and this is probably the most difficult part. she has always been my go-to-gal when i am happy, sad, mad, anxious, or just pissed off. i now only go to her when i’m happy, and refrain from the other emotions. i have three dear friends for this who understand me, and who have been involved with everything since the diagnosis. they help out a lot…and of course i have this blog, which i will start taking better care of. i feel better already. thanks again you all for your eyes, and welcome back MAC! good to hear from you. Gosh brother, your words are so powerful! I have been crying a lot this AM anyway, but am very touched with what you say about Angel being your go-to-gal…that has gotta be rough to feel as if you need to protect her and show her your strong side only…also her mothers reaction…freaking out? Come on woman, not very sensitive? I understand its gotta be tough for her, maybe she isn’t a clear communicator and is trying to say that she can only handle so much. I can empathize. Tings here gwan a bit rough in that department as well and its got me wanting to escape! I gotta peep out your other blog site mang! How do you do it? Two blogs would be too mush for moi….but it really is a phenomenal way to keep the masses informed without having to be on the damn phone all a the time. Stay golden soldier! Timothy Dear Ben; It seems that things are changing rapidly and that Angel is sleeping more than usual. I know that you are having such a hard time with this, which is completely natural. I have been there 3 times in my past years and know exactly what you mean – helpless and protective of your loved one. (Showing no fear and always being up). It really isn’t a natural feeling so you are really being an actor, which is a very tough job if it isn’t your profession. It is lovely to hear of your trip to Egypt and those wonderful memories which noone can take from you, not even Cancer can do that. About your mother in law ???? Why is she not with her daughter now? Does not make sense to me. She should come and help you out too. Is Angel not asking for her? I find her attitude a bit strange and actually she might even be a bit jealous, the way she used her words. Maybe she doesn’t understand the severity of the situation either. However as a Mom she should be there no matter what. Mine would be if she were here. Perhaps it is time to have a heart to heart with her and really spell it out. I know you are strong enough to see the situation and Angel’s health decline, even though it breaks your heart. Now people will be relying on you, which they have done for quite some time, I’m sure, to report hour by hour progess. You will be needing help very soon. Does your State have Palliative home care? In Canada, specifically Ontario, when a Cancer patient becomes too ill to really eat or travel, a Dr. comes to your home to make an assessment. Once they determine the scope, they send in a team to take care of the home. In other words, there is a homecare person assigned that comes for 3 hours every day to cook a meal for the spouse, change the sheets, light dusting. An RN is also assigned to come and take blood pressure, give a needle when necessary, or change the amount of morphine in the drip if there is one. And finally the Dr. who also comes to make updates of the patient. This is all covered by our health care plan so no money is shelled out of pocket. If you have a private plan then one can activate nursing care when needed. Having said all of this I hope I haven’t over stepped by telling you this. You need to be prepared even if others do not tell you this. It is only fair that you know the hard truth even though it hurts so bad. You are the inspiration on this blog. You show courage, conviction, are the best letter writer and you keep us informed. Thank you Ben for that. Please keep us posted but more importantly try to go out and take a walk a breather, you know. Try to get some people to sit with Angel while you take mini breaks. Very important. Take care both of you and prayers are always happening on your behalf. Weezie from Canada eh April 18, 2008
(SH*T!) the relief of the paracentesis was short lived. the following morning, angel and i could both see the ascites had already started to come back. also the lack of appetite and slight pain has returned that’s associated with this effect too. we’ll schedule another paracentesis next week, and monitor angel’s pain until then. the biopsy on this fluid came back positive for cancerous cells. (SH*T!) hard news to swallow. i’ll need to ask dr. otero whether this cancer is new, or just residual from the tumors on her liver, or perhaps something new altogether. i’m not sure if it matters. this is a huge set back. this obviously worries us all, but will stay cool until we learn more about the cause and effects of this. on monday, angel will switch to a brand new monoclonal antibody named panitumumab. it works much like the cetuximab and prevents further tumor growth. i’m not sure what the following week will be like, whether she’ll continue with the full regimen or not. her bilirubins have climbed week by week, and a tint of yellow is visible in the corners of her whites. no answers yet, but will make certain to fire away on monday. renae comes into town next friday, i hope we can give her some good news about moving forward with UW. angel has been reluctant about leaving the incredible dr. otero, but now feels it’s time to move on to specialists. her loyalty to otero is strong, but she knows being loyal to herself is foremost. we’re not looking for a miracle (maybe a little), we know the gravity of the situation, and being with specialists brings a little bit of lightness. we hope that their experience with colon cancer will help angel be in less pain if/when new things arise. sorry for the straight forwardness. i don’t enjoy bummer posts like this, and relieved that i’ve finished this update. Never apologize for being straight forward and mad as hell at cancer! The only way to beat this miserable disease is to fight like a rabid dog! Pray for your angel to get her miracle. I will pray with you or for you, because my God is in the miracle business. Stay angry at the disease, it is the only way to defeat it’s rotten ass. Nothing but good things for you both, sent with the love of a survivor. Mac WOw! You don’t know how to spell SHIT? Opppps! Is that a no no? Yo. Seriously, if you need to, keep expressing yourself no matter what. You have us/this blog as an outlet and are doing soooo much to support that lovely lady of yours. The love that you show is incredible and I am impressed and awed by your positive attitude. The ebb and flow is natural. Try to be kind to yourself and forgiving of the emotions/feelings that come up. They are natural and need to be acknowledged before we can let go of them….. Mad Love to you both! Timotay-O Dear Ben and Angel. I can’t imagine the blow that you received this past week regarding the Cancer showing up in the fluid. God cancer sucks! You have every right to be mad, angry, disappointed, upset and just plain confused. There are no real answers on why this should happen to Angel. If there are miracles that happen you can be rest assured that we are all praying for Angel and for you too Ben. Your updates are most appreciated and do help us all to understand your fight. It does inspire most and really puts a perspective on how severe Cancer can be. I guess if one is well, not with Cancer, they don’t want to know anything remotely close to cancer and its’ devastating effects on the person who has it and the family and friends who watch from a distance. Thank god that this blog is here for all of us who joined. We do appreciate you keeping us informed of Angel’s progress as it feels as if we know you both and we are praying like mad that something of a miracle can happen. You have both shown all of us such courage and commitment, strength of character, love for each other. How can we thank you enough? We will simply keep praying. God bless you Angel and Ben. April 16, 2008
all the pain angel has endured the past three weeks has finally been alleviated! a very non evasive procedure called paracentesis was performed (why the f*ck didn;’t anyone come up with this earlier? my own readings and people after the fact told me about this procedure, and which is very common with colon and cervical cancer). the pain and aching was due to an overflow of fluids the liver wasn’t able to process, and dumped into her abdominal cavity causing her vital organs to squeeze together. a total of about a gallon and a half was drained. it was quite amazing to see her belly go down after each jar filled. after the second, angel told me how hungry she was. we’ll keep her on a soft food diet until we can meet back with dr. otero to go over the game plan. angel loves dr. otero, and since being back on vacation, he came up with this procedure that three other doctors didn’t. we see a specialist next week who will hopefully never let so much time go by because he and his team have experienced the most basic of causes of pain from this type of cancer. we’ll enjoy the next couple of days while they biopsy the fluid (whether it’s cancer or not). she’s napping tight right not, and plans to get out of house and catch up on activity is planned for the next couple of days. i also see this as a window of opportunity for myself to get some much needed work finished and possibly even a visit with emmanuel to cut my nappy hair off. i hope this is not more cancer, keep angel in your thoughts. more at a later time. I will be continuing to hold you both in my heart/thoughts. Great to hear about the drainage, isn’t it fun to see something like that? The thrills of life just never cease to amaze me! Stay Up mang! Dear Ben; That was great news you posted and one amazing story of how so many Doctors missed recommending this procedure! Good god what a medical haze. Both of you sound relieved now that they figured that part out. I presume the Doctor you are seeing next week is a specialist for Pain. That works. Anything to aleviate the pain is the right thing to do. Angel is such a trooper and needs to be comfortable. Good luck next week. Weezie thanks guys, i think we are making the correct steps. we know that angel’s cancer is very aggressive and the new specialists will say so. i hope with their specialty and experience of dealing with colon cancer, they will diagnose new pain quicker than things have been moving previously. thanks for the continued support. April 13, 2008
this is amazing and worth the view! it’s hopeful, and something to keep an eye on. wow! http://www.cbsnews.com/sections/i_video/main500251.shtml?id=4011961n&channel=/sections/60minutes/videoplayer3415.shtmlThis is interesting. I just went straight to the web site because the link was disabled. It’s a great story that gives hope to anyone that may have cancer or have a loved one that does. T$ Saw it on 60 minutes on Sunday and was blown away. Can you imagine. A man retires from being an executive for a Media and Radio Corporation i goes to Florida to relax and enjoy his senior years with his wife and family. He finds out he has cancer and then after 2 bouts of chemo, he sneaks out of bed because he can’t sleep at night, decides to tinker with his wife’s baking pans and make a radio wave machine to test an idea he was having late one night. Oh my god just go to the website and click on 60 minutes and you will see on the side panel a picture of a man named Kurziak. Play the video. You will have such a feeling of hope and amazement. His idea of a machine that shoots radio waves to kill cancer cells is being really analyized and tested. Not to mention the other inventor’s discovery that has become part of the experiment. This could be the biggest breakthrough in Cancer ever. I believe it this time. Anyone who reads this post, please go to 60 minutes and view the video. Thanks Ben for posting this.
angel was discharged from VM on friday with mixed answers about her distended stomach. this really frustrated angel, spending a week in the hospital to only leave with worsened pain and a prescription for more pain meds. angel and i spoke last thursday about finding a GI oncologist who specializes in colorectal cancer. as much as dr. otero and his team are amazing, their primary focus is head, neck and hard tumors. a week ago, dr. otero said it might take him three months to diagnose this new pain, and we’ve decided that is too long. we missed the appointment again at UW last wed (the first miss was due to another hospital stay), so we’ll reschedule it. i know that the GI doctor we meet with (i hope it is sam whiting, he is anita mitchell’s doctor too, and is also a huge advocate for colon cancer. i’ve seen him speak twice in the last month) he/she will tell us the same news. this cancer is aggressive, and that the dr. otero is doing everything we would do. but we are hoping the gang of specialists who focus primarily on colon cancer, will know how to help alleviate this pain and any new pain angel might experience. i spoke with amber today about the upcoming fundraiser for angel’s cancer fund. it sounds amazing. they have the venue already and have scouted local business for donations for the silent auction and raffles they have in store. four bands are performing too. it’s very cool that a lot of angel’s friends from high school and beyond have surfaced out of nowhere to help out. angel’s god-brother brian is spearheading this fundraiser as he did so well last month at another one which raised a good sum of money. i can’t thank them enough. the outpour of love and hard work is astonishing. you can check out some pics from last months fundraiser here http://bp2.blogger.com/_Em4tIxBQS04/R_0qP3MshzI/AAAAAAAAAK4/Ds3RQfXIT20/s1600-h/collage.jpg i saw the dalai lama yesterday with some friends who had spare tickets. stephen called the night before and asked if angel would like to go, he said that he would carry her on his back if need be! karma-love all around. due to angel’s pain she reluctantly opted out. the dalai lama was amazing, he is so gentle and genuine. the parade of cultures merging together, wearing their traditional clothing, formed a smorgasbord of colors showing off how different we all are, but how we can live amongst each other in peace. i welled up several times thinking about how much angel would’ve enjoyed this. she is constantly on my mind as many of you experience. tomorrow angel has her full load of chemo, or as her friend jeffrey calls it ‘whack therapy’. he is also fighting colon cancer, and fighting like mad too. he is on the same regimen as angel, including the weekly infusion of cetuximab. dr. otero is back from vacation and angel is excited to see him and hopefully get some real answers about this new pain. Hey man! Great to hear about the faith you are gaining in your self. I have gotten positive feedback from family that reflects growth on my part and man, does it feel good! I know it in my heart already, but to have others reflect that is a type of validation that is special. Keep doing your damn thang mang! One Love! Timothy Ben you are always so detailed in your adventures either at the hospital or on your new advertures in the world. The Dali Lama is big news in Canada and so far it looks like the message is getting out to the world that China has a lot to answer and to change. I heard a wonderful programe on Sunday. A woman who has recently written a book on the Dali and her friendship with him. Very moving leader of the world. He is longest leader in terms of years in history. That speaks volumes. He is not political except to say that he meets with world leaders to spread the message of tolerance. I hope your journey to see and hear him was one of wonder. Now on to clinical matters. I hope you do seek out a specialty Oncologist. It makes perfect sense and not to be ashamed of in any way. Let’s face it, your wife’s records can be transfered very easily and since she is in this much pain I can not see why you wouldn’t try anything that might make it easier for her. You love her so much I can hear in your words, so put your efforts boldly ahead and speak loudly and clearly. Squeeky wheels do get greased. Tres luck in Angel’s next chemo. My god she is a trooper and you are her soul mate. Love,prayers and hope. I will keep watching for any new developments. Weezie from Canada eh April 9, 2008
we went to the clinic last monday as planned for the weekly cetuximab infusion, but the ever so diligent dr. otero forgot to order the medicine before he left town. oops. no biggie, so instead, we met with dr. pinder and went over angel’s pain and discomforts (which at points reached to 8 of 10 on her pain index. we know that she can handle a lot of it too. i would most certainly fold at 3). dr. pinder thought angel should go ahead with a colonoscopy and let her decide whether she wanted to stay on the 15th floor for the prep or do it at home. she opted for the former. good choice. so, we’ve been here since monday night, and plans for discharge is later today. in the meantime, angel’s pain has worsened. her abdomen is distended, a lot like it was last january, except there is much more pain. no one has come up with a clear answer for this pain yet. she’s been on a breakthrough morphine drip, and is upped to 30mg of oxycodone 2 x day. the past fews weeks, it’s been about balancing the management of pain and not being drowsy, but we’ve learned you can’t have one without the other. this is really frustrating. getting food down is still a problem, and worsening. the doctors reviewed the ct scan from yesterday and could not see an obstruction, or twist. the floor doctor thinks the liver is pushing up against the bowel causing a small blockage, but he’s not certain. dr. malpass has taken over while dr. otero is on vacation. he’s been a comfort in the midst of many visits from strange doctors who are meeting and learning angel for the first time. most ask the same questions, and perform the same abdomen tapping checks, and then leave the room without any answers. on tuesday, a squirmy looking stomach doctor came in for two minutes and abruptly left the room, we never heard back from him, but i’m sure i’ll see his charges on the next regence EOB. he must’ve been short on rent this month. dr. malpass and the GI doctor decided not to have angel undergo the colonoscopy after all (lack of evidence from the ct scan) fearing a tear or bleeding could cause for things to get out of hand. one of the monoclonal medicine of avastin cuts off blood vessels feeding the tumors and other places, and if a small tear should happen, it may never heal, and become a nightmare. the cetuximab is ordered for today, and then we’ll be on our way to fend for ourselves. We wish you the best. With Love and positive vibrations! April 7, 2008
i can’t believe it’s been almost a week since my last post. people have emailed me wondering of new news and updates. this makes me think of the time (age 10 or so) when i took over my friend’s morning paper route for the week. one morning i woke up an hour late. i couldn’t believe how many people were up waiting and pissed off that their paper was late (years before the internet). i was so embarrassed, and maybe even a little scared, that i couldn’t finish the route fast enough. everyone loves their daily dose, and i won’t let so much time pass again. i’ve had some emotional ups and downs the past week. i had a spell of anxiety last thursday anticipating dr. otero’s meeting with angel the following day. i worked myself up wondering why this appointment was taking place. he took angel’s CEA count (tumor markers) last monday before her big infusion of folfiri, but they weren’t ready as of 6pm that night. i felt suspicious since we usually get the readings the day of, and this suspicion manifested into fear that her CEA count was off the charts. that night i attended a cancer seminar at fred hutch with roz (she recently loss her mother to cancer and has been gracious enough to listen and share her own experience with me, it’s been a comfort), and met up with an amazing woman named anita mitchell (google her). we met last month at gilda’s during a colon cancer awareness q&a with oncologist dr. sam whiting from the UW (i’m hoping we get him this thursday for another opinion). she is a survivor of stage IV colon cancer and has been in remission for a year or so now. her story is quite remarkable. as you know stage IV of any type of cancer is severe. anita is a strong voice and advocate for colon cancer. i want to jump on board and see what i can do to help advocate for people who are in my same situation. i think i sort of felt this calling during the q&a portion. parents of a young man in his 30’s has stage IV colon cancer (it’s still shocking, diagnosed the same year he got married, bought a home and landed his dream), and they were telling and asking how they can help their daughter-in-law who is having a very difficult time of it. in this auditorium of 40 or so strangers, all linked by cancer. i spoke up and rambled about the struggles i have been experiencing and how difficult it is coping with a loved one at such a young age like ourselve. like most, public speaking can be terrifying, but confidence in the subject matter makes it less so (speech class is finally paying off) i have found groups out there for people like us, and shared it with the parents (youngcancerspouses.org). after the seminar i stayed behind and discussed further with the parents and anita. i learned that the son’s doctor is otero as well, and they only had goodness to say about him too. my anxiety fluttered away this night, i was feeling a high and a boost of optimism. talking about the experiences of cancer, and finding people who are also coping with it really empowered me, and made me less afraid. i want to return this same feeling to others. i feel like an old pro already, yet i know i have so much more to learn and experience on this topic. the meeting with otero went well, and indeed i was paranoid. he wanted to go over this pain angel has been experiencing. she’s once again doubled her pain meds, and is managing between controlling the pain and hallucinating. otero wants to go back to the drawing board and try to re-diagnose the pain in her abdomen, he’s perplexed and says it might take him three months. so until further notice, angel will stay on her soft food diet. of course this news is good, but we’ve put up our ‘cautiously optimistic’ flags until the next CT scan. last thursday night, lindsey dropped off another bag of prepared food which we’ve enjoyed ever since. i blended the chicken noodle soup for angel which she really enjoyed, and also (don’t gag!) the lasagna. it was angel’s idea, but it worked. getting calories into angel has been a challenge. she foregoes her morning yogurt after two bites. her stomach is distended, but she doesn’t seems to notice it as much as i do. that’s probably a good thing. susan arrived yesterday, and i think she’s noticed the changes in angel’s physical mobility and appearance. she is thinner than the last visit, and walks/moves around much slower. i don’t see the daily changes as much, but compare by recalling her usual vibrant self from past months and years before the diagnosis. it makes me sad, and chokes me up, but this is what we should all remember her of, so when that day comes along she cartwheels past your slow ass, it won’t shock you too much. angel’s sharp wit remains, she still makes me laugh, and i still love it when she’s bossy. susan plans to buy some perennials for angel to plant around the house. i think gardening will be a relaxing and nice hobby for her to enjoy. i think she’d also enjoy some weeding and popping out the 1000’s of dandelions in the yard, and mowing the lawn too. probably not. today she has her cetuximab infusion and more labs. more progress. Dear Ben; You are such a prolific writer and explain the progess of your wife’s battle with such clairty and humour. I was wondering if you could explain what CEA markers are. Is that registered in the blood and what is the normal level that it should be? Dr Otero sounds very compasionate and I guess there is a frustration in all this from a medical point of view. The patient must be willing to comply to the various treatments that are offered and at its very best, the roller coaster of emotions are always present in spite of the fight. My fight seems so small and quite unimportant but for one thing. The club of patients we have gathered here on Blog for a Cure is special and exclusive. Without the support I think I would be most lost. I have nursed my 3 parents (Mom, Dad, step mom, with cancer over the years and watched them fight too. There is always a compromise on food selection that is for sure. I remember my Dad could not stand the smell of cooking in the house so we only could sever him cold stuff or soup that was heated in the microwave. Your story brings back floods of emotion for me but I am glad that happened. I try to put those feelings away some where so I don’t get down in my own battle. However, I also gain strength remembering their own courage and determination in spite of the staggering odds. They were brave troopers. Thanks Ben for sharing your stories with us. God bless you both and keep up your wonderful spirits. I am so sorry for the experience that you have to go through. It amazing that you still have not lost your faith to carry you through. I have just started a blog victimofcancer.com not spam, just want the word hardships of cancer to be as accesible as possible to others recently about the hardships of losing a loved one to cancer. I have not experienced cancer myself, however i am still a victim becuase my father suffered from stage 5 stomach cancer and i was by his side the whole noble fight. I am going to keep reading your blog and i look forward to hearing reading your next post to see the progress. thanks Andy You remain an inspiration! Your writing and attitude are very helpful to my position. T$ |
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05.04.08 - 
Thanks for your support -
I’m not sure what to say. My heart broke a little bit and I have to admit I’m shedding some tears. Angel is among her own kind now I can tell you that much. She is free of so many things that were weighing on her.
You will be the first person in my prayers tonight.
Sending you all my love,
Gemma
May God welcome Angel home and rejoice with her as she is restored and made healthy, without illness or pain.
There are no words to make this time easier, just know you are in my prayers.
Peace and well wishes to you, brother.
Mac
iam so sorry will be praying for you